This Board Needs....

[baddog]

......some lightening up...

Teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Sally: We went to my uncle's farm and saw some goats. They were fascinating.

Teacher: That's good Sally, but I asked you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.

Molly: Our family went to Rock City. We were fascinated.

Teacher: That's good Molly, but I asked you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated.

Little Johnny had his hand up, but the teacher knew she has been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided that even little Johnny could not burn her with the word fascinate, so she caled on him.

Little Johnny: My aunt got a new sweater with ten buttons but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.

 

[Englebert]

This policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. 

The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...  

Q:  'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'  
A:   'No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q:   'Officer -- who provided this description?'  
A:   'The officer who responded to the scene.'  

Q:   'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?'  
A:   'Yes sir.  With my life.'
 
Q:   'With your life?  Let me ask you this then, Officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A:   'Yes sir, we do!'

Q:   'And do you have a locker in the room?'  
A:   'Yes sir, I do.'

Q:   'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A:   'Yes sir.'

Q:   'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' 
A:   'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

[Hagar]

GM of Dallas Cowboys walking down sidewalk.  Lil boy with newborn puppies sitting in his yard.  GM said, pretty puppies, do they like football?  Boy said, Yessir, they're Cowboy fans.

Two wks later J. Jones visited GM & they were out walking.  GM spots lil boy with his pups & tells Jerry, You got to see this.  Hey young fellow, which team does your pups like?  Lil boy says, The Texans.  GM hollered, But two weeks ago, you said the Cowboys.  Lil boy said, Yea, but that was before they opened their eyes.

[Englebert]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat when a lady walks by."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

[baddog]

18 minutes ago, Englebert said:

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat when a lady walks by."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Man, I'm still laughing.

[Hagar]

5 hours ago, Englebert said:

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat when a lady walks by."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Out of likes.  A simple great will have to do lol

[Hagar]

Ok, couple of months before I retired, on way way to work and heard Al Caldwell tell this story on KLVI.

Billy Bob was the greatest running back in the history of Texas A&M and College football.  He'd set virtually every record possible, and lead them to a National Championship.  With his college football over, he had decided he wanted to graduate with a degree, so he visited the Chancellor.  Chancellor said, Billy Bob, why the visit?  Billy Boy explained his desire for a degree.  Chancellor replied, Billy Bob, while you were a wizard at football, your performance in class was less than adequate.  I can't do it.  Word got around campus, and to the alumni to whom Billy Bob was was like a God.  The Chancellor was besieged with request and demands.  To Billy Bobs surprise, he was summoned to the Chancellors office.  Chancellor told him about the overwhelming support, and had reconsidered.  He said, Here's the deal.  Saturday, at noon, in the middle of Kyle field, I'll give you a one question quiz.  If you answer correctly, you'll get your degree and graduate.  Billy Bob was elated.

so Sat, at noon, the stage was set.  The stands were completely full, and the stadium speakers were hooked up to the microphones.  The Chancellor, after praising all in attendance said, ok Billy Bob, here's the question, and take your time, What is three times nine?  Billy Bob went deep in thot.  His brow was creased.  After a minute or so, sweat started flowing down his face.  The crowd, feeling empathy for him, started chanting in unison, Hey hey, what'd say, give him a Degree anyway, over and over.  Finally, the Chancellor ask for quiet, and told Billy Bob he needed his answer.  Billy Bob thot and thot as the murmurs from the crowd increased.  All of a sudden, Billy Boys face lit up and he said, I got it.  I got it.  You could've heard a pin drop.  Billy Boy shouted, The answer is 27.  Immediately the crowd of 102,000 students and alumni roared in unison, Give him another chance.  Give him another chance.

[Englebert]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

 

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

 

"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"

[mat]

John Elway died and went to heaven. God was showing him around and walked up to a mansion shaped like Denver Bronco helmet, turf lawn and bronco statues at the entry. God said you have done a good job on earth so hears your reward. Elway was pleased but look down the road and there was a huge mansion ten times the size of his shaped in a Dallas Cowboy helmet. Elway said, I guess that's Troy Aikman's mansion, why is it so much bigger than mine? God said no, that's my place.

[Bigdog]

On 6/26/2016 at 9:16 PM, Englebert said:

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat when a lady walks by."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Good one!  All of these are pretty good, even the Cowboy jokes.

[Englebert]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Bigdog]

2 minutes ago, Englebert said:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

LOL!  Your in the zone today!

[Hagar]

11 hours ago, bigdog said:

Good one!  All of these are pretty good, even the Cowboy jokes.

I don't think AAW will like the Billy Bob.  

[Englebert]

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven!

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place...It is almost impossible not to step on a duck.

And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

 

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck.

And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps...

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,

But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

...tall, long eyelashes, muscular!

 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.....

[TxHoops]

On June 26, 2016 at 4:07 AM, REBgp said:

Ok, couple of months before I retired, on way way to work and heard Al Caldwell tell this story on KLVI.

Billy Bob was the greatest running back in the history of Texas A&M and College football.  He'd set virtually every record possible, and lead them to a National Championship.  With his college football over, he had decided he wanted to graduate with a degree, so he visited the Chancellor.  Chancellor said, Billy Bob, why the visit?  Billy Boy explained his desire for a degree.  Chancellor replied, Billy Bob, while you were a wizard at football, your performance in class was less than adequate.  I can't do it.  Word got around campus, and to the alumni to whom Billy Bob was was like a God.  The Chancellor was besieged with request and demands.  To Billy Bobs surprise, he was summoned to the Chancellors office.  Chancellor told him about the overwhelming support, and had reconsidered.  He said, Here's the deal.  Saturday, at noon, in the middle of Kyle field, I'll give you a one question quiz.  If you answer correctly, you'll get your degree and graduate.  Billy Bob was elated.

so Sat, at noon, the stage was set.  The stands were completely full, and the stadium speakers were hooked up to the microphones.  The Chancellor, after praising all in attendance said, ok Billy Bob, here's the question, and take your time, What is three times nine?  Billy Bob went deep in thot.  His brow was creased.  After a minute or so, sweat started flowing down his face.  The crowd, feeling empathy for him, started chanting in unison, Hey hey, what'd say, give him a Degree anyway, over and over.  Finally, the Chancellor ask for quiet, and told Billy Bob he needed his answer.  Billy Bob thot and thot as the murmurs from the crowd increased.  All of a sudden, Billy Boys face lit up and he said, I got it.  I got it.  You could've heard a pin drop.  Billy Boy shouted, The answer is 27.  Immediately the crowd of 102,000 students and alumni roared in unison, Give him another chance.  Give him another chance.

I couldn't stop laughing at the first part where the Aggies won a National Championship!  I didn't know there was more joke after that!

[mat]

How do you get twelve Yankees in a Volkswagen?

 

You tell them it's headed for Texas.

[TxHoops]

Three midgets meet in the waiting room of Guiness Book of World Records.  They begin speaking about why each is there.  

The first says, "I'm here because I believe I have the world's smallest hands."  

The second says, "I'm here because I believe I have the world's smallest feet."

The third says, "I'm here because I believe I have the world's smallest genitals."

Just then, they are all called back to their respective rooms for measurements.  After a few minutes, they meet back in the lobby.

The first midget shouts, "Yes!  I have the world's smallest hands!"

The second exclaims, "Yippee!  I made the book too!  I have the world's smallest feet!"

The third angrily asks, "Who the heck is REBgp?!?!?!"

[Hagar]

On June 27, 2016 at 9:49 AM, bigdog said:

quote moat

[Hagar]

6 hours ago, TxHoops said:

Three midgets meet in the waiting room of Guiness Book of World Records.  They begin speaking about why each is there.  

The first says, "I'm here because I believe I have the world's smallest hands."  

The second says, "I'm here because I believe I have the world's smallest feet."

The third says, "I'm here because I believe I have the world's smallest genitals."

Just then, they are all called back to their respective rooms for measurements.  After a few minutes, they meet back in the lobby.

The first midget shouts, "Yes!  I have the world's smallest hands!"

The second exclaims, "Yippee!  I made the book too!  I have the world's smallest feet!"

The third angrily asks, "Who the heck is REBgp?!?!?!"

Lmbo, You Twit.

[TxHoops]

1 minute ago, REBgp said:

Lmbo, You Twit.

i was torn between using you or stevenash as the punchline.  I guess if I wanted to be anatomically correct I could have used myself...

[Hagar]

3 minutes ago, TxHoops said:

i was torn between using you or stevenash as the punchline.  I guess if I wanted to be anatomically correct I could have used myself...

The crowning insult was MBG put a like on it  

[Englebert]

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

 

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

 

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

 

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

[Englebert]

Circle flies

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed,
and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Englebert]

Reason For Speeding

A senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

 

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left...

 

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down 1-10 towards Winnie , pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas DPS patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.

 

He pulled over to await the DPS officer's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said: "Boy, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a DPS officer. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.

[baddog]

Lmao