This Board Needs....

[Hagar]

11 hours ago, baddog said:

Lmao

Me too!

[Hagar]

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were playing golf.  They come to a par 3 with a large pond in front of the green.  Moses teed off first, and his shot went in the water.  He gets to the pond and held his arms out.  The water parted.  He walks down, pitches up on the green and made his par.  Then Jesus teed off and hit a low shot that bounced several times and rolled on top of the pond.  He walks on the water, pitches up, and makes his par.  The old man hits his teed shot into the pond.  As the ball descends, a bass grabs it in his mouth.  As he swims off, an eagle swoops down and grabs the bass and drops him on the green.  The ball pops out of the basses mouth, and rolls into the cup for a hole in one.  Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot Dad".

[Bigdog]

5 hours ago, REBgp said:

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were playing golf.  They come to a par 3 with a large pond in front of the green.  Moses teed off first, and his shot went in the water.  He gets to the pond and held his arms out.  The water parted.  He walks down, pitches up on the green and made his par.  Then Jesus teed off and hit a low shot that bounced several times and rolled on top of the pond.  He walks on the water, pitches up, and makes his par.  The old man hits his teed shot into the pond.  As the ball descends, a bass grabs it in his mouth.  As he swims off, an eagle swoops down and grabs the bass and drops him on the green.  The ball pops out of the basses mouth, and rolls into the cup for a hole in one.  Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot Dad".

Good one.

[UTfanatic]

How many Aggies does it take to change a light bulb?

 

We don't know; they threw the instructions away in the box.

[Englebert]

Boudreaux was driving down Canal street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of ma life and give up ma White Lightnin'!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Boudreaux looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Englebert]

Father Murphy walks into a bar on Bourbon Street, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Thibodeaux and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

Thibodeaux said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

Thibodeaux said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.  I thought you were getting a bunch together to go right now.'

[Englebert]

It's Hell To Get Old

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

[LumRaiderFan]

1 hour ago, Englebert said:

It's Hell To Get Old

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

I actually did lol on that one.

[baddog]

Just saw this on a commercial....

What's the difference between a cockroach and a terrorist?

A cockroach isn't a coward.

[baddog]

Sign outside a church....

Too hot to keep changing the sign....

Sin = Bad

Jesus = Good

Details Inside.

[Hagar]

Watching Major Crimes.   Dead body found in an amphitheater.  Several detectives are discussing the case when one comes up and says, We've identified the body.  The Lt. Says, was he a criminal?   First man says, worse, he's a lawyer.

 

I hope Hoops doesn't find out I laughed at that.  

[Hagar]

There was a little town in Mexico that loved Mayonnaise.  Every year they'd throw a big party celebrating it.  The mayor decided that for the towns 100th mayonnaise celebration, he'd order the finest mayonnaise ever made.  He found a place in England that made that claim.  He ordered 500# of their finest to be shipped on the Titanic.

When they heard the terrible news about the ship sinking, the mayor decided to change the festival to honor the tragedy.

The celebration became known as Sinko de Mayo.

[jv_coach]

Did ya'll here the one about the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and SAW!!

[Peppermint Patty]

[jv_coach]

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
 

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
 

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
 

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
 

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

[jv_coach]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. 

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" 

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. 

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. 

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

[Hagar]

Four major truths of religion:

1- Muslims don't recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2- Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah 

3- Protestants don't recognize The Pope as leader of the Christian world

4- Baptist don't recognize each other at Hooters

[baddog]

1 hour ago, REBgp said:

Four major truths of religion:

1- Muslims don't recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2- Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah 

3- Protestants don't recognize The Pope as leader of the Christian world

4- Baptist don't recognize each other at Hooters

Lmao!!!!!!

[baddog]

There are people out there attempting to run marathons and here I am, on the couch, attempting to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

[BS Wildcats]

On 7/13/2017 at 2:36 PM, REBgp said:

Four major truths of religion:

1- Muslims don't recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2- Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah 

3- Protestants don't recognize The Pope as leader of the Christian world

4- Baptist don't recognize each other at Hooters

When they do realize it,  the rapture will be ready to take place.

[Hagar]

3 hours ago, baddog said:

There are people out there attempting to run marathons and here I am, on the couch, attempting to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

Lmbo, durn we got a lot in common.  

[Hagar]

I ask SIRI, What do women want.

My phone has been going non-stop for three days.

[baddog]

When I was a youngster, my mom told me I was about to get on her last nerve. I said, "I wish you had told me a couple of nerves ago."

[LumRaiderFan]

1 hour ago, baddog said:

When I was a youngster, my mom told me I was about to get on her last nerve. I said, "I wish you had told me a couple of nerves ago."

I'm betting that didn't turn out too well for you.

[baddog]

13 minutes ago, LumRaiderFan said:

I'm betting that didn't turn out too well for you.

No sir. I can still feel that switch on my legs.