This Board Needs....

[rupert3]

The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

 

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

  

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

 

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

 

 “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

 

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. 

 

 So, he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what

about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

 

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

 

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

 

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. 

 

“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough, we actually send them to the IRS.”

 

“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

 

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And, about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

 

[baddog]

How to get your dog to take his medicine….

 

 

[Hagar]

Not a joke but I got a kick out of this.  I’m addicted to Triple D (Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with Guy Fieri on the Food Channel).

He was interviewing a potential place and ask them, “How would describe your place, as a Diner, a Drive-In, or a Dive”?  The guy responded, “We’re a Dump aspiring to be a Dive”.  Lmbo, cool answer.

[Hagar]

Some outstanding poetry on public bathroom walls - such as:

This is a Teepee for you to pee-pee

Not a Wigwam to beat your tom-tom 

[tvc184]

A man from Boston, Mass

Had two…

 

Never mind.

[TxHoops]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when Bubba suddenly says, “I think I’m gonna divorce the wife. She ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over buddy.  Women like that are hard to find.”

[baddog]

I was sitting in a bar one night, talking to the bar maid and having a good time. She was about 55 but didn’t even look her age. I kept drinking and talking to her and was hitting it off pretty well. I kept thinking how good looking she was and how she probably had a hot daughter. We kept talking and drinking and out of the clear blue she asked me if I would be interested in a tripsie. I wasn’t sure so I asked what that was. She said a mother/daughter threesome. I thought for a second and realized this might be the best night of me life. I followed her home, went inside and everything was going perfectly until she hollered up the stairs…..”Hey Mom”?

[tvc184]

I never remember what jokes I have posted, so on the bar theme….

I woke up in the hospital with a broken arm, all kinds of bandages and a friend was in the room with me. He asked what happened. 

I told him that I don’t know. I was in a bar and saw two pretty large women together. I move down to chat with them since there weren’t many people there.

I noticed that they had a pretty strong accent so I asked them, “Are you two girls fromEngland”.

One of them said, “Wales”.

 I said, “Okay, are you two whales fromEngland”. 

That’s the last thing I remembered…..

[tvc184]

On the waking up in the hospital theme….

Another guy was visiting a friend in the hospital with all kinds of injuries like he had been in a bad car accident. His friend asked him, what happened?

The guy in the hospital said, I don’t know.

I was at the fair with my 55 year old wife. We were walking in the arena area and came across the Reserve Grand Champion bull. They had a sign next to it, saying that it was used to breed 150 times last year. My wife looked at me kind of angry and asked, “do you see how many times he did it last year?”.

Then we got to the Grand Champion and a sign said that he was used for stud service 250 times last year. Again she commented and I said, “Yeah but I bet it wasn’t the same old cow”.

That’s the last thing I remembered……
 

[baddog]

 

[baddog]

 

[mat]

I learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,

but pi*sing everyone off is a piece of cake.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, 
trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the 
Taliban with the Taliban.

I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant.  
The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days.  
I used to have some immunity built up,
but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history...
I'm sure of one thing:  
It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing:  "I can't see you anymore...
I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer:  "It was one sit-up."

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.  
The truth is I'm being more energy efficient.

Turns out being a "senior" is mostly just googling 
how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  
I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would 
be found in all corners of the world.  
Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets.  I don't get enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the 
little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. 
and I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation 
"Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons.  
If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

Sometimes the Universe puts you on the same situation 
again to see if you're still a dumb ass.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  
The truth is that once you get old, 
you stop being polite and start being honest.

 

[baddog]

8 hours ago, mat said:

I learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,

but pi*sing everyone off is a piece of cake.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, 
trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the 
Taliban with the Taliban.

I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant.  
The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days.  
I used to have some immunity built up,
but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history...
I'm sure of one thing:  
It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing:  "I can't see you anymore...
I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer:  "It was one sit-up."

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.  
The truth is I'm being more energy efficient.

Turns out being a "senior" is mostly just googling 
how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  
I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would 
be found in all corners of the world.  
Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets.  I don't get enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the 
little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. 
and I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation 
"Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons.  
If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

Sometimes the Universe puts you on the same situation 
again to see if you're still a dumb ass.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  
The truth is that once you get old, 
you stop being polite and start being honest.

 

Like the Taliban one best. 

[WOSdrummer99]

2 hours ago, baddog said:

Like the Taliban one best. 

The mute button

[bullets13]

A buddy of mine decided to go skydiving recently in an effort to conquer his fear of heights.  He shows up, and his skydiving instructor is flamboyantly gay.  He’s already nervous, but now he’s really uncomfortable because he’s going to be strapped to this guy when they get up in the air.  He decides to go through with it, but when it’s time to jump he chickens out and doesn’t want to go. At this point the instructor informs him that if he doesn’t jump he’s going to do him in the butt.  I asked my buddy the obvious question “well, did you jump?”  He replied “a little bit at first.” 

[rupert3]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing, lost her balance, and fell.

 

The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington, DC that included Joe Biden.

Biden quickly stepped forward and helped the young woman to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave when he said, "I'm Joe Biden, and I hope you'll vote for me and other Democrats in the next election.”

She laughed and quickly responded, "I fell on my ass, not my head." 

[tvc184]

If I haven’t told this one before….

Two guys are golfing and two women are in front of them playing slow.

 One guy says that he will run up there to see if they will let them play through.

He runs about 100 yards toward the women but comes right back. He tells the other guy that he can’t go up there, one is his wife and one is his girlfriend.

 The second guy tepeats the same process. The first guy asked what happened.

 The second guy said… “Small world ain’t it”. 

[baddog]

I’ve invented a new word….. plagiarism. 

[baddog]

 

[baddog]

Question: Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

 Answer: Because he was a her before. 
 

My last joke on this subject due to desensitizing. 

[SmashMouth]

On 8/10/2023 at 8:12 AM, baddog said:

Question: Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

 Answer: Because he was a her before. 
 

My last joke on this subject due to desensitizing. 

LMAO! I hate to admit it, but it took me a second... Freakin funny.

[tvc184]

There are so many jokes on here, so I don’t know if I brought this one up before but anyway….

An old woman went to see her doctor. When he asked her what was wrong, she said I have this bad problem.

I am passing gas all the time. Like sitting in the waiting room with all those other people, I must have done it ten times. The good thing is you can’t hear them and you can’t smell them, but it still bothers me. I have even done it a couple of times while talking to you. 

The doctor said, I understand. Take two of these pills a day and see me in two weeks.

When she returned in a couple of weeks the doctor asked how she was doing. She said terrible, it is just as bad but now they stink like crazy.

The doctor said great, now we have your sinuses cleared up so next we can work on your hearing.
 

[baddog]

Man goes to the doctor….

Man: Doc, my butt hurts.

Doctor: Where exactly is it hurting?

Man: Right at the entrance.

Doctor: Well, as long as we keep referring to it as the entrance, it’s going to keep hurting.

 

[baddog]

May have already posted this but it’s worth another look. lol

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[tvc184]

9 hours ago, baddog said:

May have already posted this but it’s worth another look. lol

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That dog has some funny videos.