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[TxHoops]

Maybe it’s because we are country folk but this guy kills me. 
 

 

[LumRaiderFan]

36 minutes ago, TxHoops said:

Maybe it’s because we are country folk but this guy kills me. 
 

 

That guy is hilarious.  His bit on second hand smoke cracks me up.

[TxHoops]

16 minutes ago, LumRaiderFan said:

That guy is hilarious.  His bit on second hand smoke cracks me up.

I can’t get enough of him.  Maybe it’s because I’m an “old head” as well, but I also love that he does his act without cursing every other word.  There is still something to be said, in my book, for being a comedian who could do his act in church.  

[LumRaiderFan]

42 minutes ago, TxHoops said:

I can’t get enough of him.  Maybe it’s because I’m an “old head” as well, but I also love that he does his act without cursing every other word.  There is still something to be said, in my book, for being a comedian who could do his act in church.  

Absolutely!

By the way, are you calling me an "old head"?   😪 🙂

[TxHoops]

1 hour ago, LumRaiderFan said:

Absolutely!

By the way, are you calling me an "old head"?   😪 🙂

No but that’s the term the kids are using these days 😂.  Well my kids anyway. 

[WOSdrummer99]

 

[Hagar]

Truck driver has a diner he frequents..  a new waitress approached him & ask what he was having.

He says - 3 flat tires, 2 headlights & a couple of running boards.

She goes to the cook & says the man is crazy, and then tells him what the guy ordered.  The cook laughed & says he’s just messing with ya.  He wants 3 pancakes, 2 eggs sunny side up, & 2 strips of bacon.

So the waitress takes him a bowl of beans.  The guy says - I didn’t order this.  And the waitress replied, well….I figured you could gas up while you wait on your breakfast.

[Hagar]

A Fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The fireman walked over to take a closer look and said, That sure is a nice fire engine.  The little girl girl replied, Thanks.  The fireman looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.  The fireman said, Little partner, I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.  The little girl paused for a moment then replied, You’re probably right but then I wouldn’t have a siren.

[SmashMouth]

5 hours ago, Hagar said:

A Fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The fireman walked over to take a closer look and said, That sure is a nice fire engine.  The little girl girl replied, Thanks.  The fireman looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.  The fireman said, Little partner, I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.  The little girl paused for a moment then replied, You’re probably right but then I wouldn’t have a siren.

Freakin hilarious. 

[mat]

Women's Ass size study There is a new study just released by the American
Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their butts.

The results are pretty interesting:
 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they 
would have married him anyway

[LumRaiderFan]

1 hour ago, mat said:

Women's Ass size study There is a new study just released by the American
Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their butts.

The results are pretty interesting:
 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they 
would have married him anyway

And don't even try to figure out where you land in that survey.

a wise man

[Hagar]

Went fishing this morning.  After a short while I ran out of worms.  
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in it’s mouth.  
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in it’s mouth, I grabbed it behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels & poured a little whiskey in it’s mouth. It’s eyes rolled back in it’s head and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

Not long after I felt a nudge on my foot.  I looked down and it was that damn snake…….with two more frogs.

Life is good!

[Sugarbear]

Why did the Blonde sniff Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.   

 

[Hagar]

Tom was a physical fitness sperm.  Not so bright but he was in shape.  His goal - to be the one to impregnate the egg.  He got him a smart sperm when he hooked up with Albert.  He figured between his physical fitness, and Albert’s brain, he could do it.  Albert told him, Tom, you know there’s millions of us trying to get to the egg, why you.  Tom said because since inception I’ve been working out swimming and weights.  I can outswim any sperm, & when we’re released, I’m going first.  Then came the big day…..err…..night.  Bam the sperm were released.  Tom took off with Albert close behind.  Tom said, C’mon Albert, I’ve got to be first.  Albert, gasping for strength said, I’m trying Tom, just keep swimming.  Tom said, I forgot Albert, where is our objective?  Albert replied, In the Uterus.  Tom said, Well where are we now?  Albert looked around and said, In the esophagus.

[SmashMouth]

On 3/26/2022 at 5:30 AM, Hagar said:

Albert looked around and said, In the esophagus.

Dang google maps! Lmao!

[WOSdrummer99]

24 minutes ago, SmashMouth said:

Dang google maps! Lmao!

Albert was smart... Avoided tolls and ferries

[SmashMouth]

2 hours ago, WOSdrummer99 said:

Albert was smart... Avoided tolls and ferries

And dirt roads!!! 😎

[baddog]

A guy breaks into a house looking for money and guns and finds a couple in bed. He orders  the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife,” Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you. “ To which the wife responds,” He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him there was some in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you!”

[Hagar]

Joe had been plagued by headaches for many years.  They were driving him crazy, so he went to his Dr.  Doc said, I can cure your headaches but it will require castration.  You have a rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine & the pressure creates a bad headache.  Joe was shocked & depressed.  Would life be worth living?  But alas, he really had no choice.  When done, as leaving the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but still felt he was missing something.  But yet he was a different person, so he was going to start a new beginning.  He saw a Man’s Clothing Store & decided that’s just what he needed.  He entered the shop & an elderly tailor came up.  Joe told him, I’d like a new suit.  The old man eyed him & said, Okay, a 44 long. Joe laughed & said, That’s right, how did you know?  Old man said, Been in the business 50 years.  Joe tried it on, looked in the mirror & was pleased with what he saw.  Old man ask, Want a new shirt?  Joe said, Sure.  Old man - 34 sleeves with 16” neck.  Joe said, Right again, you do know your stuff.  So the old man ask, Howabout new underwear?  Joe thought for a sec, & said, Well sure.  Old man said, Size 36.  Joe laughed, Ah ha, I got you, I’ve worn size 34 for 20 years.  Old man said, “You shouldn’t wear a 34.  It’ll press your testicles into the base of your spine & give you a horrible headache.

New suit $400.  New shirt $60.  New underwear $6.  Second opinion, PRICELESS.

[mat]

Saw a meme with Bill Dance giving advice.

If your wife’s mad at you, buy yourself a new rod and reel. She’ll still be mad at you but at least you’ll have a new rod and reel.

[tvc184]

On 4/3/2022 at 8:15 AM, Hagar said:

Joe had been plagued by headaches for many years.  They were driving him crazy, so he went to his Dr.  Doc said, I can cure your headaches but it will require castration.  You have a rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine & the pressure creates a bad headache.  Joe was shocked & depressed.  Would life be worth living?  But alas, he really had no choice.  When done, as leaving the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but still felt he was missing something.  But yet he was a different person, so he was going to start a new beginning.  He saw a Man’s Clothing Store & decided that’s just what he needed.  He entered the shop & an elderly tailor came up.  Joe told him, I’d like a new suit.  The old man eyed him & said, Okay, a 44 long. Joe laughed & said, That’s right, how did you know?  Old man said, Been in the business 50 years.  Joe tried it on, looked in the mirror & was pleased with what he saw.  Old man ask, Want a new shirt?  Joe said, Sure.  Old man - 34 sleeves with 16” neck.  Joe said, Right again, you do know your stuff.  So the old man ask, Howabout new underwear?  Joe thought for a sec, & said, Well sure.  Old man said, Size 36.  Joe laughed, Ah ha, I got you, I’ve worn size 34 for 20 years.  Old man said, “You shouldn’t wear a 34.  It’ll press your testicles into the base of your spine & give you a horrible headache.

New suit $400.  New shirt $60.  New underwear $6.  Second opinion, PRICELESS.

The old sailor had been thinking for a long time about getting the surgery. He had shore leave so he had a few brews to build up his courage.

When he finally had enough alcohol to get the nerve, he went and saw the doctor and asked to be castrated. The doctor asked if he was sure that is what he wanted and the sailor said,”YES!! I have thought it over for a long time and that’s what I want!” 

So off to surgery he went. A couple of hours later he woke up in the recovery room and saw another sailor in the bed next to him. The old sailor asked the other, “What are you in here for?”.

The second sailor said that he had just gotten a circumcision.

The old sailor replied, “Yeah……. that’s what I wanted “.

[Hagar]

The five year olds were trying hard to become accustomed to school.  Their biggest problem, the teacher insisted on no baby talk.  You need to use big people words.  She ask what they did over the weekend, how about you John?  He said, “I went to visit my Nana.  No the teacher said, you visited your grandmother.  Use Big Peoples words.  She then ask Mitchell, he said, “We took a ride on a choo-choo”.  No, you rode on a train.  Remember Big Peoples words.  She then ask Alan and he said,” I read a book”.  Teacher say, that’s great, what did you read?  Alan thought very hard about it and finally said, “Winnie the s**t”.   

[tvc184]

A 5th grade teacher gives her students an assignment for the weekend.  Think of something that happened in your family and you could use an idiom or a parable to describe it. 

Monday rolled around and that teacher started calling on different students. She asked Sally if she could think of something that happened in her family. Sally said her family owned some chickens and every weekend they go to the farmers market to sell them. One weekend they had all of the eggs in one box in the back of the truck. Her father hit a big pothole and the box fell on the road and broke. Her idiom was, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. The teacher said, that’s a good one.

The teacher then called on Tommy. Tommy said that his father always caught a lot of fish. This weekend he went with his father for the first time do you learn how to fish. Tommy said that he ended up catching almost as many fish as your father. The teacher asked, what was the parable. Tommy’s father told him that he’s just a chip off the old block.

The teacher cringed but eventually had to call on Little Johnny. Little Johnny said…

My Uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in Vietnam. One day he was shot down and as he was about to bail out of his jet he grabbed a fifth of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. As he was floating down in the parachute, uncle Bob saw 200 enemy soldiers waiting on him. He quickly drank the fifth of whiskey and then used the machine gun to kill 100 of the enemy troops on his way down. He ran out of bullets when he hit the ground and kill 75 of them with a machete but then it broke. He then killed the last 25 with his bare hands. The teacher said, OH MY GOSH….. but after thinking about it for a couple of minutes asked Little Johnny, but what is the parable?

Little Johnny said, “Don’t £#@& with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking”.

[SmashMouth]

20 hours ago, tvc184 said:

A 5th grade teacher gives her students an assignment for the weekend.  Think of something that happened in your family and you could use an idiom or a parable to describe it. 

Monday rolled around and that teacher started calling on different students. She asked Sally if she could think of something that happened in her family. Sally said her family owned some chickens and every weekend they go to the farmers market to sell them. One weekend they had all of the eggs in one box in the back of the truck. Her father hit a big pothole and the box fell on the road and broke. Her idiom was, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. The teacher said, that’s a good one.

The teacher then called on Tommy. Tommy said that his father always caught a lot of fish. This weekend he went with his father for the first time do you learn how to fish. Tommy said that he ended up catching almost as many fish as your father. The teacher asked, what was the parable. Tommy’s father told him that he’s just a chip off the old block.

The teacher cringed but eventually had to call on Little Johnny. Little Johnny said…

My Uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in Vietnam. One day he was shot down and as he was about to bail out of his jet he grabbed a fifth of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. As he was floating down in the parachute, uncle Bob saw 200 enemy soldiers waiting on him. He quickly drank the fifth of whiskey and then used the machine gun to kill 100 of the enemy troops on his way down. He ran out of bullets when he hit the ground and kill 75 of them with a machete but then it broke. He then killed the last 25 with his bare hands. The teacher said, OH MY GOSH….. but after thinking about it for a couple of minutes asked Little Johnny, but what is the parable?

Little Johnny said, “Don’t £#@& with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking”.

Yes!

[Hagar]

My wife ask me, How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, Only you Darling.  With all the others, I was awake.

 

 

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