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[tvc184]

4 hours ago, Hagar said:

My wife ask me, How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, Only you Darling.  With all the others, I was awake.

 

 

HOSPITAL VISITING HOURS ARE 10am TO 8pm.

A man went to visit a friend in the hospital and asked him what happened.

He said I don’t know. My wife and I were at the state fair and we were looking at the grand champion bull. There was a sign next to him saying that he had bred 300 cows last year. Next was a reserve grand champion and we saw that he had bred 250 cows in the last year. One of the runner ups had bred 200 cows. My wife commented on how these bulls were able to perform so often. The last thing I remember, I said something to my wife like yes but it’s not the same old cow. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.

[tvc184]

4 hours ago, Hagar said:

My wife ask me, How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, Only you Darling.  With all the others, I was awake.

 

 

HOSPITAL VISITING HOURS ARE 10am TO 8pm.

Another guy went to visit a friend in the hospital and asked, what happened?

The friend said I don’t know. I was at a bar and there was a couple of pretty large women down at the end of the bar and they had an accent. I walked over and asked, “ Are you two ladies from England”. One of them said “Wales”. I then said, “Okay, are you two whales from England”. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.  

[baddog]

 

[baddog]

Why does a squirrel always act as if it’s his first day being a squirrel?

[Hagar]

On 4/22/2022 at 10:15 AM, baddog said:

Why does a squirrel always act as if it’s his first day being a squirrel?

Lol, little buggers are sharp.  We have a cat.  About 90 feet from our front porch is a big oak with several squirrels.  She’ll see them scurrying around on the ground, and she’ll get in attack mode.  No way she can sneak up on mowed lawn to the tree so she has to ease to within about 60 feet and charge.  The squirrels have the timing down to an art.  At the last minute they’re up the tree and she sits under frustrated, tail switching.  Saw it play out a few minutes ago.  I may have to get her psychiatric help, lmbo.

[baddog]

3 minutes ago, Hagar said:

Lol, little buggers are sharp.  We have a cat.  About 90 feet from our front porch is a big oak with several squirrels.  She’ll see them scurrying around on the ground, and she’ll get in attack mode.  No way she can sneak up on mowed lawn to the tree so she has to ease to within about 60 feet and charge.  The squirrels have the timing down to an art.  At the last minute they’re up the tree and she sits under frustrated, tail switching.  Saw it play out a few minutes ago.  I may have to get her psychiatric help, lmbo.

Lmao. I have a Dachshund that is slightly overweight. When let outside, he runs down the ramp into the yard knowing that there may be a squirrel to chase. Of course he will never catch one, but he tries anyway. One day, a squirrel had ventured a little too far from the closest oak tree and was in, what I call, no man’s land. Ruger ( that’s my dog ), ran down the ramp, into the yard and had the squirrel dead to rights. Ruger almost got him. The squirrel went about 5 feet up the trunk, turned and barked at Ruger. I think Ruger stared at him thinking…..if only I was a little lighter I would have had you arse. Lol

Funniest thing I have seen involving a squirrel is a squirrel deciding to run the gauntlet down a power line and a mockingbird chasing him. Everyone should witness that action. 

[LumRaiderFan]

34 minutes ago, baddog said:

Lmao. I have a Dachshund that is slightly overweight. When let outside, he runs down the ramp into the yard knowing that there may be a squirrel to chase. Of course he will never catch one, but he tries anyway. One day, a squirrel had ventured a little too far from the closest oak tree and was in, what I call, no man’s land. Ruger ( that’s my dog ), ran down the ramp, into the yard and had the squirrel dead to rights. Ruger almost got him. The squirrel went about 5 feet up the trunk, turned and barked at Ruger. I think Ruger stared at him thinking…..if only I was a little lighter I would have had you arse. Lol

Funniest thing I have seen involving a squirrel is a squirrel deciding to run the gauntlet down a power line and a mockingbird chasing him. Everyone should witness that action. 

Mockingbirds are the grouchy old men of the animal kingdom. Always in “GET OFF MY LAWN” mode.

[Hagar]

A blonde woman is driving down the road and happens to notice that she’s low on gas.  Seeing a station she pulls in and starts filling her car.  While pumping her gas she notices she locked her keys in the car.  When she goes inside to pay she ask the attendant if he has a clothes hanger so she can attempt to open the doors herself.  She goes out and is working vigorously trying to Jimmy the lock.  Ten minutes later the attendant goes out to see how she’s doing.  Outside the blonds is moving the hanger back and forth and up and down, while another blonds inside is saying, A little more to the left….a little more right……

[baddog]

4 hours ago, LumRaiderFan said:

Mockingbirds are the grouchy old men of the animal kingdom. Always in “GET OFF MY LAWN” mode.

I have witnessed them attacking hawks and owls. They have no fear. Lol

[Hagar]

4 hours ago, LumRaiderFan said:

Mockingbirds are the grouchy old men of the animal kingdom. Always in “GET OFF MY LAWN” mode.

I remember as a kid, we always had one dog & cat.  The cat would be walking across the backyard and the Top Guns couldn’t have done it better.  Mockingbirds would swoop down and peck or claw their backs from behind.  Cat would jump 4 feet up - I always figured because they were scared & didn’t know what had got them, lol.  I’d laugh my tail off.  The birds would land on a tree or clothesline and squawk to high heaven.  Bird laughing I’m sure.  😂😂🤣😂😂.  Yup, them mockingbirds are about the toughest regular size bird in the animal kingdom.  If they were the size of Eagles, we’d all be looking over our shoulders.

[tvc184]

7 hours ago, Hagar said:

A blonde woman is driving down the road and happens to notice that she’s low on gas.  Seeing a station she pulls in and starts filling her car.  While pumping her gas she notices she locked her keys in the car.  When she goes inside to pay she ask the attendant if he has a clothes hanger so she can attempt to open the doors herself.  She goes out and is working vigorously trying to Jimmy the lock.  Ten minutes later the attendant goes out to see how she’s doing.  Outside the blonds is moving the hanger back and forth and up and down, while another blonds inside is saying, A little more to the left….a little more right……

The same blonde woman is driving down the road by herself and gets stopped  by a blonde woman cop.

The cop walks up and tells the blonde woman driver  that she is speeding and she needs to see her drivers license. The blonde woman driver asked, what does a drivers license look like? The blonde woman cop said it has your face on it.

So the driver digs around a while longer and finds a small mirror and looks at it and sure enough, there’s her face.

So the blonde woman driver hands the mirror to the blonde woman cop who responds….

”Why didn’t you tell me you were a police officer?”

[Hagar]

Lady’s husband passed away and she needed assistance running her Ranch, so she hires this cowboy to help out.  She came home from the store and finds him alone in the house.  She told him to take off her shirt and he did.  Then she said take off my skirt so he did that.  Okay, take off the shoes, which he did.  Now take off my bra and panties.  The cowboy, looking very uncomfortable took them off.  Then the lady said, If I ever catch you wearing my things again, you’re out of here.

[SmashMouth]

2 hours ago, Hagar said:

Lady’s husband passed away and she needed assistance running her Ranch, so she hires this cowboy to help out.  She came home from the store and finds him alone in the house.  She told him to take off her shirt and he did.  Then she said take off my skirt so he did that.  Okay, take off the shoes, which he did.  Now take off my bra and panties.  The cowboy, looking very uncomfortable took them off.  Then the lady said, If I ever catch you wearing my things again, you’re out of here.

Classic!

[Hagar]

The female Dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.  No way!  No needles!  I hate needles, says the patient.  The Dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.  No way!  I can’t do the gas thing.  The thought of having a mask on will suffocate me.   The Dentist then ask the patient if he’s okay taking a pill.  No objection at all he said.  I’m fine with pills.  The Dentist returns and says, Here’s a viagra.  The patient says, Wow, I didn’t know viagra worked as a pain killer.  It doesn’t replied the Dentist, but it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull that tooth.

😂😂🤣👽🤣😂😂

[mat]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

[mat]

An old physician, Dr. Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.  He put up a sign that said:  "Dr. Geezer's Clinic.  Get your treatment for $500--if not cured, get back $1000."

Dr. Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000.  So, he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Dr. Young:  "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me?"  Dr. Geezer:  "Nurse, please bring the medicine from Box 22 and put three drops in Dr. Young's mouth."  Dr. Young:  "Aaagh!  This is gasoline!"  Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back.  That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.  Dr. Young:  "I have lost my memory.  I can't remember anything."  Dr. Geezer:  "Nurse, please bring the medicine from Box 22 and put three drops in the patient's mouth."  Dr. Young:  "Oh no you don't--that's gasoline."  Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations!  You've got your memory back.  That will be $500."  Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves.

After several more days, Dr, Young goes back.  Dr. Young:  "My eyesight has become weak--I can hardly see anything!"  Dr. Geezer:  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill.  Dr. Young:  "But this only $10!"  Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations!  You got your vision back.  That will be $500."

Moral of the story---Just because you're young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old geezer.  And remember--Don't make old people mad.  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[mat]

My wife and I walked into a bank to make a withdrawal. A man came in to rob the bank and lined everyone along the wall. He asked the man next to me If he saw him rob the bank and if he remembers what he looks like. The man said sure I do. You robbed the bank and are standing in front of me. The robber shot him dead. He then asked me the same thing. I told him no, I didn't see a thing, but my wife here said she saw it all and plans to tell the police everything.

[TxHoops]

BREAKING NEWS:
Kentucky Derby winner Rich Strike’s owner Richard Dawson turns down a meeting at the White House with Joe Biden.
When asked why, Mr. Dawson replied,
“If my horse wanted to see a horse’s
ass, he would've finished second.”

[tvc184]

37 minutes ago, TxHoops said:

BREAKING NEWS:
Kentucky Derby winner Rich Strike’s owner Richard Dawson turns down a meeting at the White House with Joe Biden.
When asked why, Mr. Dawson replied,
“If my horse wanted to see a horse’s
ass, he would've finished second.”

That meme was plastered all over Facebook and their “fact checkers” removed it as not true. They either don’t understand jokes, puns, innuendo, etc., or they are fully aware of what it meant but when jokes are politically against their progressive beliefs, they are removed under the guise of “disinformation”.

Back to the humor…..  

[TxHoops]

3 hours ago, tvc184 said:

That meme was plastered all over Facebook and their “fact checkers” removed it as not true. They either don’t understand jokes, puns, innuendo, etc., or they are fully aware of what it meant but when jokes are politically against their progressive beliefs, they are removed under the guise of “disinformation”.

Back to the humor…..  

I saw that.  Whatever happened to, “this is funny, I don’t care who you are”?  In a time where we really need to laugh more often, it seems humor is more restricted than ever.  I saw someone posted a “snopes investigation” on it and wondered, who was dim enough to waste snopes’ time over an obvious joke?

But not on this thread baby!

[Hagar]

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman comes into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, Good morning and welcome to Walmart.  Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, Hell no, they ain’t twins.  The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7.  Why the hell would you think they’re twins?  Are you blind, or stupid?

So I replied, I’m neither blind nor stupid ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.  Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

 

[TxHoops]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[baddog]

 

[mat]

Friday afternoon I went to the liquor store on my bicycle, bought a bottle of scotch and put it in my bicycle basket. As I was about to leave I though to myself if I fell off the bicycle the bottle might break. So I drank the bottle before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven time before I made it home. 

[mat]

An old man was sitting in a private box at a major football match with an empty seat next to him:
A young enthusiast saw the empty seat and said to the old man.
“Who on earth has paid for this expensive seat but not turned up! they must be mad, do you mind if I sit here?”
The old man sadly looked up and said.
“For 50yrs I and my darling wife have sat together and watched every major final, but unfortunately she has passed away so was unable to come, so you can gladly take her place if you like.”
The young man thanked him for his kind generosity and sat beside the old man.
The young man turned to him and said.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but as sad as your story is, I have to ask, have you not got any relatives, like a son or grandchild or nephew that you could if brought along with you?”
The old man said.
“Yes I have, but they’ve all gone 2 the funeral.”