This Board Needs....

[baddog]

3 hours ago, LumRaiderFan said:

I'm betting that didn't turn out too well for you.

My mom would go to jail today for spanking me like that. What a shame. I don't hate her for spanking me. Heck, I needed it. We were "taught" right from wrong. Trouble is, I was always wrong.

[LumRaiderFan]

1 hour ago, baddog said:

My mom would go to jail today for spanking me like that. What a shame. I don't hate her for spanking me. Heck, I needed it. We were "taught" right from wrong. Trouble is, I was always wrong.

That is a shame...we're all backwards on this spanking deal now.

[baddog]

Teacher asked little Johnny where his homework was.

Little Johnny said," I lost it fighting a guy who said you weren't the best teacher."

[Hagar]

9 hours ago, baddog said:

Teacher asked little Johnny where his homework was.

Little Johnny said," I lost it fighting a guy who said you weren't the best teacher."

Now that's the lil Johnny we know and love.

[Hagar]

A big he-coon was terrorizing the area around Fotenots place, and he never could find him.  He called his buddy Thibodaux who had the best coon dog in the country.  Thibodaux he came over and brought that dog.  He told Fotenot to get his 30-30.  The dog immediately picked up that big he-coon's scent and took off, with Fotenot & Thibodaux chasing after him.  They finally heard that dog had the coon treed.  They come running up breathless to the tree.

Thibodaux said, Now Fotenot, I'm going to climb up in that tree and get that coon out on a limb and shake it until he falls.  When he hits the ground, the first thing that dog will do is bite the nads off that coon, then he'll tear him up.

Fotenot ask, If the dog is a gonna kill the coon, why'd I bring the 30-30.

Thibodaux said, That's in case I fall outta that tree, you shoot that dad gum dog.

[baddog]

3 hours ago, REBgp said:

A big he-coon was terrorizing the area around Fotenots place, and he never could find him.  He called his buddy Thibodaux who had the best coon dog in the country.  Thibodaux he came over and brought that dog.  He told Fotenot to get his 30-30.  The dog immediately picked up that big he-coon's scent and took off, with Fotenot & Thibodaux chasing after him.  They finally heard that dog had the coon treed.  They come running up breathless to the tree.

Thibodaux said, Now Fotenot, I'm going to climb up in that tree and get that coon out on a limb and shake it until he falls.  When he hits the ground, the first thing that dog will do is bite the nads off that coon, then he'll tear him up.

Fotenot ask, If the dog is a gonna kill the coon, why'd I bring the 30-30.

Thibodaux said, That's in case I fall outta that tree, you shoot that dad gum dog.

That's a good one.

[Hagar]

I stole this from JV Coach.  It's the dying truth.

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[shovel]

On 9/25/2017 at 9:05 PM, REBgp said:

I stole this from JV Coach.  It's the dying truth.

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Reb, maybe it's just me, but all the women in my life only want 3 things....

1) They want it all

2) They want it now

3) They want me to get it for them!

[Hagar]

2 hours ago, shovel said:

Reb, maybe it's just me, but all the women in my life only want 3 things....

1) They want it all

2) They want it now

3) They want me to get it for them!

This is suppose to be a thread to lighten up.  You just depressed us all by telling the truth  

[jv_coach]

honest slogans 

 

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”

[Ryanp]

So a priest and rabbi develop a friendship of sorts over the course of serving the same community for many years

one afternoon sitting on a park bench the priest says to the rabbi

"I know this is a deeply personal question, and its okay if aren't comfortable answering, but did you ever try eating pork?"

the rabbi looks down at the ground in shame and says "yes...to be completely honest, I once ordered room service breakfast and it came with bacon, I was all alone and tried a little"

the rabbi then asks his own question "since we're revealing secrets here friend, let me ask you, did you ever sleep with a woman?"

priest looks at the ground in shame and replies, "yes...I did...when I was first out of the seminary I was tempted by a young parishioner and in my weakness I gave in to temptation just that once"

The Rabbi nods to show he understands and says "it sure beats the hell out of pork doesn't it?" 

[Hagar]

Just read this & thought it'd give y'all a good New Years laugh.

The Russian maid, Anna, had just ask the wife of the family for a pay raise.  The wife was very upset about this, thinking Anna was well compensated, so they sit down so she could talk to her about it.  

She ask, "Now Anna, why do you want a pay raise"?  Anna replied, "Well Ma'am, der are tree reasons I want a raise.  Da first reason is I'm cleaning better dan you".  

Wife:  Who said you're cleaning better than me?  

Anna:  Your husband say so.   Wife:  Really?

Anna:  The second reason, I'm a better cook dan you.

Wife:  Don't talk nonsense.  Who said you cook better than me?

Anna:  Your husband say so.  

Wife, increasingly angry:  Oh he did, did he.

Anna:  And the third reason, I am better with sex than you in the bed.

Wife, really boiling now, through gritted teeth ask:  And did my husband say that as well?

Anna:  No Ma'am, da gardener did.

Wife:  Oh, so how much do you want?

[Hagar]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started.  The boyfriend ask, What's it suppose to be when it's finished?  The blonde replied, According to the picture on the box, it's suppose to be a tiger.  Boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table.  He studied the pieces for a moment and then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.  Secondly, I want you to relax...Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then......he sighed......Lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[Hagar]

St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC has a monthly seminar for married men, where they go to share how to strengthen their marriages.  At the last session, after the Priest had started the meeting with the usual prayer, he looked at the men in attendance.  His eyes rested on Alfonso Aienna, who was nearing his 50th anniversary.  The Priest said, Alfonso, you've been married almost 50 years.  How did you treat your wife to accomplish this milestone?

Alfonso stood up and said, Well Father, I've always been kind to her.  I've given her a lots of gifts.  And on our 25th anniversary, I took her to Europe.  

The Priest said, Fantastic job Alfonso, you're an inspiration to us all.  What have you planned for her on your 50th anniversary?

Joe proudly replied, I'm going to go pick her up.

 

[Hagar]

Saw something on a FB post that hit close to home, because of my age.  Any of you older readers will see more humor in this than younger folks. It happens - just got to laugh at yourself.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.

It was the bathroom, but still..........

 

My worst:. Occasionally I'll be looking for my glasses, and then realize they're sitting on my nose.  Shouldn't share stuff like that.  It's embarrassing.  Any of you ever do that?

[Hagar]

An older man in his 50's was pulled over by the Police around 2AM.  After checking his license, the officer ask him where he was going this time of the night.

The man relied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the negative effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late".

The Officer ask, "Really?  And who is giving a lecture at this ungodly time?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife".

[pdawg119]

"I love my job!" said the farmer.

"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me" said the sheep.

[Hagar]

Bubba forgot his wedding anniversary.  His wife was furious.  She told him, "Bubba, you no account, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in that driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE"!  The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box.....gift wrapped, in the middle of the driveway.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale..........Bubba ain't been seen since.

[LumRaiderFan]

4 hours ago, REBgp said:

Bubba forgot his wedding anniversary.  His wife was furious.  She told him, "Bubba, you no account, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in that driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE"!  The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box.....gift wrapped, in the middle of the driveway.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale..........Bubba ain't been seen since.

lol

[Hagar]

A married lady fresh from the shower stood in front of the mirror, complained to her husband that her breast were to small.  Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.  “If you want your breast to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”  Her, willing to try anything, grabbed some toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breast.  “How long will it take”, she ask?  He said, “They’ll grow larger over a period of years”.  She stopped and ask,  “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breast will work?”  Without missing a beat he said, “Worked on your rear end didn’t it?”

He is still alive, and with some physical therapy, he may learn to walk again.  Stupid man.

[pdawg119]

Does England have a blood bank?

No, but they have a Liverpool.

[Hagar]

In a Louisiana Church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, “Anyone with special needs, who wants to be prayed for, come forward to the front of the alter”.  With that, Boudreaux got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher ask, “Boudreaux, what do you want me to pray about for you”?  

Boudreaux replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing”.  The preacher placed one finger in one of Boudreaux’s ears, and his other hand on Boudreaux’s head, then he prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  Soon the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.  

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and ask, “Boudreaux, how is your hearing now?  Boudreaux replied, “I don’t know yet preacher, it ain’t till next Thursday”.

[Hagar]

Three ladies, 2 young, & 1 older, were sitting naked in a sauna.  Suddenly, there was a beeping sound from 1 of the young women.  She pressed her forearm & the beeping stopped.  The other 2 looked at her questioningly.  She said, That was my pager.  I have a microchip inserted under the skin in my forearm.  

A few minutes later, a phone rang.  The other young lady lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished, she explained, that was my Mobil phone, I had a microchip inserted in my hand.  

The older lady felt very low tech, and out of touch, but she had to come up with some kind of plan to impress these young upstarts.  Then she got an idea.  She stepped out of the sauna and went to the restroom.  She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.  The 2 young ladies pointed & said, what is that.  The old lady glanced around at the toilet paper and said, Well, will you look at that.  I’m getting a fax.

[Hagar]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their young children.  “You all have obsessions” he observed.  

To the first mother, Alice, he said, “You’re obsessed with eating.  You’ve even named your daughter Candy”.  He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann, and said, “Your obsession is with money. It manifest itself in your child’s name, Penny”.  He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce, “You’re obsession is alcohol.  It’s apparent because you named your child Brandy.”

At this point, the 4th mother, Mrs. Smith quietly got up and took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.  Let’s pickup Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

[Englebert]

Now or Later

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. 
A filthy hobo wandering by stopped and said, “Look dear, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?” 
She screamed, “NO! Get lost you filthy old buzzard!” 
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.” 

She didn't jump.