This Board Needs....

[baddog]

3 hours ago, Englebert said:

Now or Later

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. 
A filthy hobo wandering by stopped and said, “Look dear, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?” 
She screamed, “NO! Get lost you filthy old buzzard!” 
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.” 

She didn't jump. 
 

LMAO!

[SmashMouth]

My wife told me I was too immature 

So I told her to get out of my fort...

[TxHoops]

From one of my friend’s Facebook page:

”Satan worshippers crack me up.  Why would you worship a deity that literally lost a fiddle contest to some random hillbilly from Georgia?”

[Hook'em]

Little Johnny came home from school one day and as the family was eating dinner, he let his dad know that he had a homework assignment and needed to write a short paper expaining the difference between theory and reality. His dad told him no problem, just let me do some thinking and after dinner they would get it taken care of.

After dinner, little Johnny finally sits down with his dad to work on his assignment and as they are waiting to get started, his dad tells him to go ask his mom if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Little Johnny was hesitant at first, thinking he would get in trouble, but finally went and asked her and she expained to him that it would be very wrong of her to do, but for a million dollars she would do it.

He comes back and tells his dad and his dad tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with Channing Tatum for a million dollars. To no surprise, she quickly agrees and says she would.

Little Johnny goes back to his dad and tells him he really needs to get his paper finished up and doesn't understand what the questions to his mom and sister have to do with theory and reality. His dad responds, "Well son, it's simple. In theory, we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

[baddog]

A 5 year old girl hadn't talked for her entire life. Her parents thought there was something wrong with her. One morning at breakfast, she screamed at her mother, "You burned my dad gum toast". Her relieved mother asked her why she hadn't spoken till now? She said, "Up till now, everything has been alright".

[Hagar]

These were great commercials.

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[Hagar]

A teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.  “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever.  

A smart-a$$ boy in the back of the room raised his hand & asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter & snickering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the answers to the exam with your other hand”.

[baddog]

Older one, but still a good one....

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[Hagar]

12 hours ago, baddog said:

Older one, but still a good one....

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That’s funny stuff.  I don’t blame the dog, I’d been crying too.  

[Hagar]

A democrat walks into a bar and ask, “what’s the new most popular drink”?  

The bartender replies, “A Russian Collusion.  

The Democrat says, “Well I’ll take one”.

And the bartender gives him an empty glass.

lmbo, insert laughing emojis for next three lines  

[pdawg119]

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

[baddog]

I just bought a new Jeep and named it Elizabeth Warren. It’s all white but it’s called a Cherokee.

[Hagar]

Saw a good meme, which of course I can’t post on here, so I’ll type it out.

PRAISE THE LORD, THANK YOU FOR THIS COLD FRONT

AND PLEASE LET ALL THEM DAMN MOSQUITOES FREEZE TO DEATH AND THEN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL WHERE THEY BELONG.  AMEN!

 

[Hagar]

Another good meme I can’t post.

Y’all enjoy them 20s 30s and 40s, because in your 50s

 

THAT CHECK ENGINE LIGHT GONNA COME ON

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[WOSdrummer99]

The check engine light in my old chevy has been on for 10 years. Always the oxygen sensor. Maybe I should see a doctor.

[baddog]

I was so drunk last night, the cops pulled somebody over on TV and I slid my beer under the couch.

[Hagar]

On 12/21/2019 at 5:57 PM, baddog said:

I was so drunk last night, the cops pulled somebody over on TV and I slid my beer under the couch.

Still, I admire your quick thinking.  😂😂😂

[SmashMouth]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?' 
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[SmashMouth]

A strapping young farmer’s truck broke while he was in town picking up supplies. The shop said they need to keep the truck overnight. He didn't live far and was debating just walking home.
But he had bought a bucket and a gallon of paint at the hardware store and a a couple of chickens and a goose at the feed store.  While he was scratching his head a little old lady walked up and said she was lost. As it turns out she was trying to get to farm next to his. "You could walk with me as it’s only about 10 minutes away but I bought more than I can carry"
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Lets take a short cut down this alley. We'll save a few minutes.’
The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely old  widow without a husband to defend me ... 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[baddog]

I was standing in line @ 7:45 @ a supermarket that opened @ 8:00 for seniors only. A young man pulled up in the parking lot and tried to cut in the front of the line. An old woman beat him with her cane and backed him away. He tried to cross the line again and an old man punched him in the gut and several other old timers shoved him back to the parking lot. The third time, the yound man approached and said, “If y'all don’t let me unlock that door, you will never get in.”

[baddog]

Have you ever noticed anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

[Hagar]

Man walks into a bar.   He sees Cruz & Trump sitting along ar a corner table, so he walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor.  What are y’all doing in here”?

Cruz says, “We’re planning WW-III”.  The guy says, Really, what’s going to happen?

Trump says, “We’re going to kill 140 Million Muslims and a blonde with big boobs”.

The guy exclaims, A blonde with big boobs.  Why kill a blonds with big boobs?

Trump turns to Cruz and says, See, I told you, no one gives a crap about 140 Million Muslims.

 

 

No offense meant.  It’s just a joke, & heaven knows we could use a laugh. 😄

 

[SmashMouth]

Well, I finished Netflix today...

[baddog]

Mexico has now said that they will pay for and build the wall. Completion will be Monday @ 3;00 p.m.

[mat]