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Hagar

Hagar

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Big fan of The Equalizer and all those Fallen movies (Olympus, London, Angel).  Almost forgot, The Accountant.

The prequel to Lonesome Dove, Dead Man’s Walk.   Rarely on, but if you liked LD, you’ll almost surely like DMW.

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Hagar
Hagar

Ok, couple of months before I retired, on way way to work and heard Al Caldwell tell this story on KLVI. Billy Bob was the greatest running back in the history of Texas A&M and College footba

baddog
baddog

......some lightening up... Teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Sally: We went to my uncle's farm and saw some goats. They were fascinating. Teacher: That's

Englebert
Englebert

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you wer

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NetCat

NetCat

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1 hour ago, Hagar said:

Big fan of The Equalizer and all those Fallen movies (Olympus, London, Angel).  Almost forgot, The Accountant.

The prequel to Lonesome Dove, Dead Man’s Walk.   Rarely on, but if you liked LD, you’ll almost surely like DMW.

What's the name of the one with Kostner and Duvall in it? Never can remember the name but it's a good one. 

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Englebert

Englebert

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I was reading about the judge still not dismissing the Michael Flynn case because Flynn pleaded guilty to lying...twice, and this oldie came to mind:

Farmer Angus 

A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot lawyer was questioning Angus. "Didn't you say to the policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"asked the lawyer. 

Angus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." 

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" 

Angus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the lawyer: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' Now just what would you have said"? 

 

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Hagar

Hagar

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On 11/5/2020 at 2:53 PM, Hagar said:

Here’s a riddle for you.

A man without eyes saw plums on a tree, he neither took plums nor left plums so how could this be.

Never had anyone answer it correctly in 40 years.  Neither could I 40 years ago.  😂

 

Okay, y’all gave up.

Guy only had one eye, saw two plums on a tree.   Took one and left one.  Now, if you’re like me, you can say, Durn, why didn’t I think of that.

😂😂😂

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Hagar

Hagar

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49 minutes ago, SmashMouth said:

Hell, Hagar, I still don’t understand it!

He didn’t have eyes, he only had an eye.  He only took a plum, not plums.  Left a plum, not plums.    Stick with me SmashMouth.  You too can be a walking encyclopedia of useless knowledge.   😂😂🤣😂😂

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baddog

baddog

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25 minutes ago, Hagar said:

He didn’t have eyes, he only had an eye.  He only took a plum, not plums.  Left a plum, not plums.    Stick with me SmashMouth.  You too can be a walking encyclopedia of useless knowledge.   😂😂🤣😂😂

I googled it. Thought it was cheating. Has everything to do with the plurals used. You know how I hate cheaters. Lol

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UT alum

UT alum

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On 6/24/2016 at 5:09 PM, baddog said:

......some lightening up...

Teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Sally: We went to my uncle's farm and saw some goats. They were fascinating.

Teacher: That's good Sally, but I asked you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.

Molly: Our family went to Rock City. We were fascinated.

Teacher: That's good Molly, but I asked you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated.

Little Johnny had his hand up, but the teacher knew she has been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided that even little Johnny could not burn her with the word fascinate, so she caled on him.

Little Johnny: My aunt got a new sweater with ten buttons but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.

 

Would that be Little Johnny F. F.?

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UT alum

UT alum

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An engineer died and went to Hell. When he got there, he looked around and said “Man, this place needs fixing up. Mind if I do a little work on it, Satan?” Satan said, “sure”, and the engineer went to work. First, he installed a big AC system. Next, he built a waterworks system. Ice cold water fountains everywhere.

He’d started on a sewerage plant when God looked down and saw all the work he was doing. He decided Heaven could use a little sprucing up and got to thinking maybe he’d sent the guy to the wrong place. He told Satan, “Look, this engineer got sent to the wrong place. Send him up here. Satan said, “No, he works for me. You can’t have him.” 

God said, “What do you mean, No? I am omnipotent. You can’t refuse me!”

The Devil said, “I’m not letting go of him”

God replied, “Fine. I’ll sue you and we’ll see who wins.

Satan chuckled as he said, “Where you gonna find a lawyer?”

 

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